Languages, names and identity

Two languages, one family

Russian and Ukrainian both belong to the East Slavic branch of the Indo-European languages, together with Belarusian. They are close cousins, but they are separate languages with their own grammar, vocabulary and literary traditions. Ukrainian is the official state language of Ukraine; Russian is the state language of the Russian Federation, where many republics have additional official languages of their own.

A Russian speaker who has never studied Ukrainian will often follow the gist of a Ukrainian sentence, and the reverse is also true, especially for Ukrainians who grew up with Russian-language television and school. But the comprehension is partial, and for many Ukrainians it is irritating to hear that “it is basically the same language”. It is not, and speakers of both languages say so.

Alphabets: Cyrillic, with differences

Both languages use the Cyrillic script with 33 letters, but not the same 33. If you want to recognise which one you are reading, the quickest test is to look for particular letters.

Two details here deserve a note. The Russian “Привет” and the Ukrainian “Привіт” differ by a single letter, which is a good example of how close and how distinct the languages are at once. And the Ukrainian verb kokhaty is used for romantic love, while lyubyty is the more general verb for liking or loving. Russian normally uses one verb, lyubit, for both, so the Ukrainian distinction is a nuance that many speakers care about.

Learning to say “hello” and “thank you” in her language will do more than any compliment. Make sure it is her language.

Which language does she speak?

There is no way to know from the passport. Several patterns are common.

1. Ukrainian speakers. Many Ukrainians speak Ukrainian at home, at school and at work, particularly in the west and centre of the country.
2. Russian speakers from Ukraine. Many Ukrainians, especially in big cities and in the east and south, grew up speaking Russian in the family and Ukrainian at school or in public life.
3. Bilingual speakers. Many people are fluent in both and switch depending on whom they are speaking to.
4. People who recently switched. Reports from the last few years describe many Ukrainian citizens who used Russian before 2022 deciding to use Ukrainian for daily life, sometimes with their families, sometimes only in public. The shift is personal and gradual, so some use both languages and some are still deciding.
5. Russian speakers from Russia. Most speak Russian as their first language, and many also speak a regional language or the language of their family’s ethnic group, such as Tatar, Bashkir or Chechen.
6. Mixed speech. In parts of Ukraine, people mix Russian and Ukrainian in a way known as surzhyk. It is an ordinary spoken form, not a sign of a lack of education, and many speakers use it affectionately, though some dislike the word.

The simplest courtesy is to ask: “Which language would you like to use?” If you are writing in English, she may prefer to write to you in English; that is a choice too.

Why the choice of language is sensitive

Language is bound up with history in both countries. During periods of Soviet and imperial rule, Ukrainian was at various times discouraged in schools and in public life, and many families still remember this. Since independence in 1991, Ukraine has promoted Ukrainian as its state language. After the full-scale invasion of February 2022, a great many Ukrainians have viewed the use of their own language as an act of belonging. In Russia, the Russian language is the common language of a very diverse country, and most Russians consider it simply their own, without political connotation.

None of this means you need to take a position. It means you should avoid correcting her, translating her messages into the other language without asking, or implying that her language is “just a dialect”. If you must use a translator, ask which language she wants it set to.

Names: how to get them right

Names are spelled and pronounced differently in the two languages, and many names have a different form in each. Using the right one is a quick sign of care.

These are examples of how a name changes between languages, not a list of the women you might meet. The same woman can see her name written two ways on two documents, depending on who transliterated it from Cyrillic. If you are unsure, ask how she writes it in Latin letters.

Short forms and affection

Both languages make heavy use of diminutives. Natalia becomes Natasha, then Natashenka; Olena becomes Olenka. Using a diminutive uninvited can feel too familiar, but using the official name in a warm conversation can feel cold. Follow her lead.

Patronymics

In Russia, a person’s middle name comes from the father’s first name: Ivan’s daughter is Ivanovna, Ivan’s son is Ivanovich. A formal address in Russian is first name plus patronymic. In Ukraine, patronymics exist and are used in official documents and formal settings, but they are less common in everyday address. If you do not know someone’s patronymic, the first name is fine in an informal context.

Formal and informal “you”

Both languages have two forms of “you”: informal (ty in Russian, ty in Ukrainian) and formal or plural (vy in Russian, vy in Ukrainian). Moving from formal to informal is a step in a relationship, and it is customary for the person with higher status or the older person to offer it. If you are writing in English, this is invisible, but if you learn some of her language, keep to the formal form until she suggests otherwise.

Place names: Kyiv, not Kiev

Place names are another area where spelling carries meaning. The Ukrainian capital is spelled Kyiv in the Ukrainian-based transliteration, which has been adopted by most major English-language news organisations and many governments. The older spelling “Kiev” comes from the Russian form. Other examples are Kharkiv (Russian: Kharkov), Lviv (Lvov), Odesa (Odessa), Chernihiv (Chernigov). Using the Ukrainian-based forms in writing to a Ukrainian is simply correct; to a Russian, it is neutral, since English-language usage has moved the same way.

For Russian cities, the usual English spellings (Moscow, Saint Petersburg, Novosibirsk, Yekaterinburg) are standard.

Pronunciation: small things that help

You do not need to master the grammar to show goodwill. A few points make your attempts easier to understand:

• Stress matters. In both languages, the stressed syllable is pronounced clearly and the unstressed vowels are weaker. If you say a name with the stress on the wrong syllable, she will probably still understand you, but she may smile.
• The Ukrainian h and the Russian g. The letter г is a soft “h” sound in Ukrainian and a hard “g” in Russian. This is one of the quickest ways to hear the difference between the languages.
• Soft consonants. Both languages soften many consonants before certain vowels. English speakers tend to flatten them. Listen to a short recording by a native speaker before you try a new word.
• Rolled r. Both languages use a rolled or tapped r. A rough attempt is fine.

Many language apps offer both languages, and free audio dictionaries exist for individual words. Practise with a short phrase, then ask her to correct you. Most people enjoy teaching a few words, as long as the interest is real and not a performance.

Practical rules for messages and calls

• Ask which language to use before you assume. Offer English, Russian, Ukrainian or a mix.
• Avoid machine translation for emotional topics. It handles everyday phrases well, but it can turn a compliment into something strange. Short, plain sentences translate best.
• Do not copy and paste someone else’s love poem. It is obvious, and it is a common feature of scam messages. See the red flags in the guide on dating during the war.
• Write her name correctly. Check each letter.
• Learn five phrases, not fifty: hello, thank you, please, how are you, and sorry. Pronunciation matters less than effort.
• Use voice messages carefully. An accent in her language is charming; a mistake in the wrong language is awkward.

What not to say

Some phrases appear again and again in poorly informed writing and are best avoided:

• “Russian and Ukrainian are the same.” They are not.
• “You speak very good English for a Russian/Ukrainian.” Patronising, and often untrue of how well she speaks it.
• “Say something in Russian/Ukrainian.” You are not asking an animal to perform. Ask whether she would like to teach you a few words.
• “Your accent is cute.” It can be taken well among friends; early on it often reads as condescending.

Summary

• Russian and Ukrainian are related but distinct languages, with different letters, vocabulary and histories.
• You cannot tell which language she prefers from where she was born. Ask her.
• Spell names and cities the way she does, and follow her lead on diminutives and on you.
• Treat language as part of identity, not as a quirk.

Continue with holidays and the table to see how the two calendars differ, or go back to Russia and Ukraine are not the same.